Manifesto

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• Parakeets will be exterminated.

• LimeBike, Inc. will be proscribed as a terrorist group.

• At the end of TV programmes, the credits will not be shrunk or spoken over.

• Street signs will be mounted on walls and buildings, not supported by separate signposts.

• Taps will be long enough so that it is possible to wash one’s hands without touching the back of the basin.

• Organisations will refer to ‘passengers’, ‘diners’, ‘drinkers’, etc., not ‘customers’.

• The manufacture of labels that leave glue behind when pealed off will be outlawed.

• The BBC Sounds audio ident (‘music, radio, podcasts’) will never again be heard.

• Wooing at public events will be discouraged.

• Streaming services will subtitle non-English scenes by default.

• Continuity announcers on TV and radio will be prohibited from making comments that fall into one or more of the following categories: breezy, ironic, knowing, chatty, twee.

• Blue Christmas lights will be banned.

• There will be more benches, public lavatories, and drinking fountains.

• Car horns will not be used except to avoid danger by alerting people to the presence of a car that they haven’t noticed.

• Street lighting will come on later, to preserve the gloaming.

• Liberalism for the well-behaved; authority for the slovenly.